My poor blog often gets neglected in favour of Facebook, and a lot of what I post there is obviously missed by my readers here. If I have any left. So I would like to present a small collection of the things my children have said and done over the past months for your entertainment!

IMGP983613th May 2015

I told Ellie that everyone’s naked under their clothes. She goes, “I’m not; I usually wear three layers!”

Evie just came up to me and said, “I smell horrible because I farted. Have a smell of my bottom!”

11th May 2015

Ellie’s teacher tells me that Ellie’s work and improvements often get used as examples for the rest of the class. She’s getting level 16 readers sent home now.

8th May 2015

Me: *wakes Evie up from her nap*
Evie: Hi mum. *yawn*
Me: You’ll have to get up soon so we can go get Ellie from school.
Evie: Poop.

7th May 2015

Apropos of nothing, Evie just said to me, “Mum, I love you too much to flush you away in the toilet!’

4th May 2015

Ellie’s been learning about symmetry at school; she asked me this morning if her bottom was symmetrical.


30th April 2015

Elspeth hit Evelyn with a bangle, breaking the bangle, and now she’s having conniptions because I said I won’t buy her a new one.

28th April 2015

The girls are playing shop, and their economy is totally screwed. Ellie charged Evie “twenty hundred dollars” for a little foam sticker, and then “a single hair” for a wooden building block.

27th April 2015

Evie: If I step in coffee I will get coffee on my shoes and then daddy will have to drink my shoes and that will be funny.

22nd April 2015

Playing doctors with Evie, and she assures me that there is a lion living in my throat and that’s why my leg is sore.

21st April 2015

Ellie saw me taking my anti-depressant this morning and asked me what it was for. I told her it was medicine to stop me being sad and cranky, so she started pouting and stomping her foot and saying she needed some too!

15th April 2015

Ellie just said to me, “My tummy is really really really sick, I must be having a baby.”

11th April 2015

Evie: My finger hurts when I touch people.
Me: So don’t touch people.
Evie: But I have hands.

Ellie was trying to get Evie interested in various toys and games, and Evie said, “All I want to do is make a mess!” Ellie replied enthusiastically, “Okay!”

20150317_15594627th March 2015

I read Ellie the little bit from the Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy about how to fly. Now she’s jumping off the couch trying to miss the floor.

22nd March 2015

Evie: I did two poos! Not four or three, or five or eighteen.

19th March 2015

The girls have started calling themselves Science Princesses. I have no idea exactly what that means, but it’s awesome.

14th March 2015

Evie was in the bath when she decided she needed to wee. She told Aidan, “I want you to dry my bum so the wee doesn’t get wet!”

3rd March 2015

Elspeth has been getting quite upset lately, telling me, “I want to be a grown up NOW!!!” When asked why, she says, “I want to have a chicken farm and have fresh eggs for breakfast every morning.”

Quotes from a three year old

Here is a random selection of recent amusing quotes from Elspeth, or conversations with her. Enjoy!


August 27:

Me: Ok, Ellie, you can stay up for another five minutes.
Ellie: FOUR minutes!
Me: Ok!

September 4:

I told Elspeth that her sister makes disgusting smells, and a few minutes later she said to me, ‘I’m making a disgusting smile!’

September 5:

After clearly watching too much Playschool: ‘Come on, you be a butterfly too! Flutter flutter flutter.’

September 10:

While sitting on the toilet, having been bribed to do so: ‘I’m just doing this wee for a marshmallow.’

September 14:

‘Oh, there’s a sandwich in the toilet!’

September 23:

‘We live on the Earth, and Mercury doesn’t have a moon, and Venus hasn’t got any water!’

September 27:

While watching Aidan use a screwdriver: ‘I’m watching daddy screw!’

September 30:

Ellie: Do you like beetles?
Me: To eat?
Ellie: No, to look at.
Me: Yes, I like to look at beetles.
Ellie: Well, there’s not one here.

October 16:

‘We don’t live in Australia; we live in K-Mart!’

October 21:

Ellie: Can I have chocolate milk?
Me: No.
Ellie: Nanny will say I can have it.
Me: Go and ask her, then.
Ellie: Nanny, can I have chocolate milk?
Nanny: What did mummy say?
Ellie: You can say yes!

October 28:

Ellie, sounding genuinely distressed: Oh no! We have to buy a new beanbag!
Me: Why, what’s happened to this one?
Ellie: Evie got sandwich all over it!

November 1:

I told Elspeth I would go to the gym later, and she didn’t realise I meant after Aidan got home. She demanded to come with me, saying ‘Otherwise Evie and I will be all bored and lonely!’

November 3:

Ellie: One of our fish died and we had to put it in the toilet. Poppy doesn’t put his dead fish in the toilet. He puts them on the grass so Tiffany [my parents’ cat] can eat them.
Me: Yes, but we don’t have a Tiffany.
Ellie: We could get one. Then when Luggy [our surviving fish] dies she can eat him.

November 9:

Ellie: It’s time to do a handstand.
Me: Um, ok.
Ellie: I don’t know how. Do you?
Me: I haven’t done a handstand in about twenty years.
Ellie: Oh, well, maybe when you’re a bit older you will know how to do a handstand.

Me: Finish your dinner and you can have an icy pole.
Ellie: I’m not dinner hungry anymore. I’m icy pole hungry.

The things we do…

Fisher Price Little People LeopardIf anybody had told me three years ago that I would one day spend a considerable portion of my time being a leopard and carrying on inane conversations with a toddler being a lion… I’d have wondered what drugs they were about to give me.

However, it turns out that one of Elspeth’s favourite passtimes is making me voice one character while she voices another – ‘Mummy talk leopard?’ she says, thrusting said leopard upon me while she clutches the lion.

The conversations are as in depth as a lesson in another language, with all the usual standards: Hello, how are you, what are you doing? Occasionally the answers are surprising; the lion was apparently on a jumping castle this afternoon. They then descend into incomprehensible babble and mumbles, just like language lessons.

The conversations are played out multiple times daily, between various characters. Sometimes I’m Iggle Piggle to her Makka Pakka, sometimes I’m Tigger to her Pooh Bear. I’m rarely just plain mum.

I try to expand her vocabulary and her general knowledge through these conversations, but her response to these forays into unknown territory is lukewarm at best. Upon being confronted with something new, a frequent response from Elspeth is to go back to ‘Hello!’ and start again.

And this is, honestly, how I spend quite a lot of my time at home with her. Is it any wonder I sometimes feel I’m going crazy?!

Lookin’ for trouble

I sat quietly at my computer, reading Facebook and drinking tea. I knew Elspeth was around the house somewhere, chatting away to herself on her wanders. But when I actually started listening, this is what I heard:

“Trouble, where are you? Where’s trouble? Trouble, come back!”

So I said, “Are you looking for trouble?”


“Where is it?”

“Where is it, mummy?” with a shrug and a puzzled look.

I laughed and patted her on the head. “Here it is!”

So now I’m pretty sure Elspeth thinks her hair is trouble.